Well the earthquake happened earlier today and I think that by now we all know what caused it. It wasn’t the G20 and it wasn’t a bomb, and it wasn’t everyone’s combined gas (as many would have you believe), it was the following. So here it is – real video proof. Don’t argue. We all know that the TV never lies.

There you have it. Moving on.

That’s right, General Zod’s in town for the G20 and he’s already causing trouble. We’re pretty much screwed so I would say we heed his command and kneel before Zod. The person who pulled out all the trees downtown? Zod. The evil mastermind that thought a fake lake would be a great idea? ZOD! That person in the subway with the machine gun? Mariel Hemingway!

Wait, what? Ok I have a confession. I have always had a sick crush on Mariel Hemingway. I have no idea why. Maybe it’s because she’s Ernest Hemingway’s granddaughter, maybe it’s because she was way hot as Lacy Warfield or that Lesbian athlete in “Personal Best” but I’ve been in love with her for many years. It’s no wonder Superman would later go on to fight some weird 80s fashion reject in a cape and Lee Press-On nails for her love on the surface of the moon while completely ignoring the Cold War and a nuclear missile crisis. Either that or she told Superman that his @Klout score needed to be at least 34 before she would put out. Crafty.

Superman's Klout on Michaelnus.com

Super Trash Talk: Now you've crossed the line.

Where was I going with this? Who cares! Mmmm Mariel.